Let's face it, when you are a parent "me" time is pretty non-existent when you are raising young children. ESPECIALLY if you work full time, which is the case for me and my husband.
Over the years I really have come to accept this as a fact; so has my husband. I honestly wish more people would do the same, I think they would be more at peace if they did.
When I think about Ma and Pa raising their family, I realize they probably never once had an argument about needing more "me" time. They worked hard every day living off the land and taking care of their family. Most days they had some time to do the things they loved like playing the fiddle or carving for Pa and sewing or writing a letter to far away family for Ma. I am pretty sure they just enjoyed the small bits of "me" time they were able to get and they probably never even thought about it as "me" time or worried about trying to get "enough" of it.
I think part of the reason is the fact that they lived a more balanced life than most of us do in these hectic modern times. But I also think a lot of it has to do with attitude and values. Ma and Pa valued family above all else as far as I can tell from reading about their lives. For any of you reading this who have raised a family or are in the process of raising a family, I am sure you can agree that things go a lot smoother when all family members feel equally valued and loved. This helps everyone want to work together and be a part of the family team. I think you will also agree that getting this to happen takes A LOT of quality time and there is only so much time in a day.
If you are a couple raising a family there is barely any time left for you to focus on each other and your relationship. Making time for this is VERY important! The 2nd highest time for divorce is when all the kids grow up and leave the house. Don't make it all about the kids, you need to make sure there is time for you and your partner!
Now let's get back to the "me" time thing. The reality of the situation is that after you are done spending the quality time it takes to have a happy stable family and marriage there really just isn't much time left for "me" time. I am not saying that you have to sacrifice all "me" time to have a happy family and marriage, I am just saying we all need to be more realistic about how much time we really can have to do things just for ourselves and still have a happy family and marriage. I also think we need to be a little more creative about what we classify as "me" time and find ways to see the "me" time in the little daily routines and surprises. Look for more posts on how to do just that coming soon!
My overall advice is to not really put too much focus on getting enough of this revered "me" time. Just live your life like Ma and Pa; enjoy the little bits of "me" time that naturally fit into any given day. Don't try to force it, or schedule it, or agonize over it. When your kids are grown and gone and you retire you are going to find you have a lot more "me" time than you ever wanted. Go visit any lonely person in a retirement home if you don't believe me.
2 comments:
Hi Jenn,
I wanted to comment on your viewpoint regarding "me time." As a mother of two grown, successful children, I know how essential it is to make time for yourself on a daily basis and the consequences of being in the "I don't have time for me," mind set.
Charles and Caroline, or as you refer to them as Ma & Pa, lived in a different era, an era of farming and raising children but you're right, they probably never had an argument about "me time." My grandparents were married for 53 years and never had an argument about that either but they enjoyed, took,and cherished, "me time," and they taught me the value of nurturing yourself in order to be nurturing to others.
My Grams went to Northern Star and Pioneer meetings, and never passed up dressing in a costume for Halloween to go out with the girls. I'll never forget the day I saw my Grams dressed as a scarecrow, stuffed crow on her shoulder and hay sticking out of her sleeves at age 55. My Gramps attended Masonic meetings, no women allowed by the way, and his workshop was off limits to my Grams until his blindness forced him to allow her in.
Along with my wonderful grandparents teachings, i learned in my teens what putting off for tomorrow when your kids are grown truly means. My best friend Marcia's parents did everything for their kids and put off "living" until the last of their four children graduated college. They had a spectacular trip to Europe planned and paid for; their reward for putting off their dreams until they had "A lot more "me" time.:" Marcia's mom was diagnosed with Leukemia and passed within 8 weeks never seeing Europe.
I agree that you don't have to force it or agonize over it, who does that? You do have to schedule it though if only in your mind. You have to value yourself enough to know that the happier you are the happier your family is.
What would have happened if Laura Ingalls Wilder and her daughter had not seen the value in "me time?" You wouldn't have your much loved stories because Laura would have spent that time on her family. Laura's manuscripts were rejected for publishing because they were deemed dull. Laura's daughter wouldn't have taken the time to add "drama" to her mothers works so that they would be published without "me time."
Because of two women's "me time," we have enjoyed reading this "drama," based partly on their reality. True reality is.. life is too short not to live each day like it's your last...find time for yourself and the family will be richer for it.
Thank you for your comment!
I agree with everything you said, you help explain why this post was NOT titled "Get over your need for "me" time" or "Get over not having any "me" time."
The key word in my title was "enough",in hindsight I probably should have put that in word quotes too.
I definitely value "me" time and understand its importance. Taking the time to write this blog at night is some of my "me" time!
This post is about some people's obsession with getting a certain amount of "me" time no matter what. I am sorry to report that I have run into several people who do agonize over "me" time and try to force it when it just does not make sense. I am asking people to realize that we realistically cannot have a crazy amount of "me" time like monthly only girls or only guys weekend trips or going out with friends several times a week and leaving our family and partner at home. Every once in a while sure! We all need to do that! Unfortunately I have seen many cases where just one partner forces and demands so much "me" time for themselves that they leave the other partner with little or no "me" time at all and this really puts things out of balance in the family and relationship.
I am also asking people to think about "me" time in a different way. It doesn't always have to be a big time intensive thing for it to count as "me" time. I think some people spend so much time complaining about not getting any "me" time that they are missing out on little opportunities for "me" time that pop up around us. Here is a simple example. My dear Aunt Laurie was a busy mom of two and one child is disabled. Her husband sometimes had to work two jobs to make ends meet and she also worked to help the family. There really was not time or money for any extravagant "me" time but that didn't stop her from finding some! She found that she always seem to wake up before everyone else in the morning so she started using that little chunk of 20 or 30 minutes to make herself a cup of coffee and relax in her alone moment. However, I am sure she also easily gave it up with out a second thought if one of her children happened to get up earlier or was sick during the night which caused her to sleep in past her little alone time. This is what I am trying to get at when I say don't force it or agonize over it. You can schedule it but don't stress if the schedule falls through sometimes.
I too am really happy that Laura and her daughter took some "me" time to make the Little House books end up on our shelves! However, I do not think they thought of it as taking "me" time. It was something they enjoyed and they did it when they were able to and sometimes they may have put something else aside to take time to work on it and other times they probably had to give up working on it to do something else that was more important at the time.
It is all about balance and that is what I hope people can remember to think about. We can never live in the era that Charles and Caroline lived in but I think we can try to be more like them and think less about defining "me" time.
Thank you again for joining this conversation I loved hearing your family stories!
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